Trauma might be affecting your sexual health and satisfaction. Here’s what it looks like, and what you can do about it.
If you have experienced trauma, sexual or otherwise, your body has experienced a biopsychosocial interaction. Much like the name suggests, this is an event that involves biological, psychological, and social factors (1). These types of interactions affect you far beyond the surface level and can show up in many areas of your life. A common area that trauma emerges? The bedroom.
People who have experienced trauma have a complex relationship with sex. Judith Lewis Herman, an American psychiatrist, researcher, teacher, and author says that “...after a traumatic experience, the human system of self-preservation seems to go onto permanent alert, as if the danger might return at any moment” (2). Trauma can manifest itself in many ways when it comes to intimacy and sex. A person might seek arousal in an addictive, compulsive, or repetitive manner, but don’t feel pleasure or satisfaction when the experience is completed. Others might shy away from anything that provides arousal or pleasure. Some might experience sexual disfunction like erectile disfunction, vagina numbness, or vulva pain. Regardless of the way that trauma might manifest in sex and intimacy, they all have a common thread: the body is shutting down the sexual response cycle in response to trauma. Simply ignoring trauma won’t help these issues; trauma must be treated properly in order to heal and experience sexual joy and freedom.
“What we change inwardly will change outer reality.” – Plutarch
Signs You Might Be Affected by Trauma When It Comes to Sex, Sexuality, and Intimacy:
You struggle to speak up in the bedroom
You have trouble knowing what you want
You can’t say no or yes
You feel guilty or shameful about being sexual
Your most satisfying sexual experiences are when you masturbate and fantasize about women in demeaning situations
You struggle to hold boundaries
You have sex when you don’t want to
You struggle to have intimate relationships
You have a deep fear of abandonment
You fear being engulfed and therefore can’t get close to people in romantic relationship=
You feel ashamed of your gender
You act out sexually
You feel compulsive about sex
You’re turned on by imagining yourself being humiliated by a mothering type woman
You’re fixated or obsessive about oral or anal sex
(Please note- kinks or being turned on by taboo things are not necessarily a sign of trauma! When these behaviors show up in harmful or compulsive ways, they might be a sign of something deeper.)
Trauma Is More Common Than You Think
When defining trauma, it’s important to note how common traumatic experiences can be. Most people have experienced trauma either directly or indirectly, and these experiences are powerful. According to the National Council for Behavioral Health, 70% of adults in the U.S. have experienced some type of traumatic event at least once in their lives (3). Trauma can stem from grief and loss, abuse, witnessing or experiencing acts of violence, medical experiences, car accidents, natural disasters… an event is deemed traumatic if you have experienced lasting emotional or physical effects from it. When you experience something traumatic, your brain tries to protect you by creating a distancing from the event. While this can help us in the short term, the long-term effects can seep into every area of your life, including your sexual health and sexual functioning.
How Trauma Affects Sexual Functioning and Health
Emotional Distancing and Disconnect
You might have heard of the phrase “disassociation”. According to Jennifer Casarella, MD, “dissociation is a break in how your mind handles information. You may feel disconnected from your thoughts, feelings, memories, and surroundings” (4). A person who has experienced trauma likely experiences dissociation, even if they don’t know the word for it. This dissociation, or disconnection from your body, is the way that you avoided pain— you left your bodies on purpose. One of the most pervasive effects of trauma is a sense of disconnection: disconnection to ourselves, our families, our friends, or our intimate partners. You might feel like you are more or less sexual than you once were. Maybe you think that you don’t want to be in a committed relationship because you don’t want to be “tied down”, when in reality your trauma and fear of connection is speaking for you. Perhaps you have disconnected from your erotic self or sense of sensuality. Maybe you use sex to numb and further disassociate or reclaim power. To add to the problem, the biopsychosocial aspect of trauma means that trauma is likely manifesting itself biologically and mentally.
Physical and Biological Effects of Trauma
Trauma affects our arousal, energy, and ability to orgasm. The Dual Control Model of Sexual Response (DCM) from the John Bancroft Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender, and Reproduction identifies two major factors in our sexual responses: sexual accelerators and sexual brakes [5].
The accelerator is like the gas pedal and responds to everything sexually stimulating in your environment. Everything you see, hear, touch, smell, taste, or imagine that your brain determines to be relevant to sexuality activates the “turn-on” section of your brain. At the same time, your breaks are scanning the environment for anything that your brain might interpret as a good reason not to be aroused in that situation. There are two types of breaks: internal and external. The external looks at the environment and potential consequences of being aroused. The internal is dictated by your negative feelings, fears, or trauma. If you have trauma, you might be experiencing more brakes than gas! Healing that trauma, then, comes with unpacking what is influencing your internal braking system.
How Does a Therapist Approach Trauma and Sex?
Trauma-informed therapy is effective for two main reasons.
First, the use of evidence-based cognitive tools can help restructure some of the neural pathways that were created when the traumatic experience occurred.
Secondly, a relationship with a trustworthy therapist can help make a big difference in how you see the world.
When trauma occurs, it can sometimes create a shift in the way that you might perceive the world— life can feel more dangerous and a lot more unpredictable after the event. Your therapist’s job as a guide through change is to help you feel safe as you unpack your trauma, experiences, and desires.
Typically, your therapist will look at your history, family system, childhood development, and sexual history. They will also talk about your desires: What kind of relationship do you want? What would your ideal sex life look like? What does sexual health and freedom look like to you? What things from your past need to be unpacked? What do balance and healing look like in your future?
What Are the Benefits of Trauma-Informed Sex Therapy?
Treating trauma and examining our sexual history and hopes has so many benefits! Working with a trauma-informed sex therapist can help you understand what you want, understand the pain that your trauma created and how to heal it, learn to ask for what you want, and understand your own protective mechanisms that you built to survive your trauma. A therapist will be trauma-informed, not trauma-focused; they will help you understand yourself better, feel better, and help teach you how to move beyond the protective mechanisms that no longer serve you. This approach will not only help you in the bedroom— it will likely help in many areas of your life— some of which you might not have known were impacted by trauma!
If you are looking for effective, lasting healing that can help improve your life, sexually and otherwise, book a consultation with me today. I would love to guide you to a space of sexual freedom.
References
"The Biopsychosocial Model Approach" (PDF). Rochester University. Rochester University. Retrieved 18 April 2019.
https://www.thenationalcouncil.org/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/Trauma-infographic.pdf?daf=375ateTbd56
Bancroft, J., Graham, C. A., Janssen, E., & Sanders, S. A. (2009). The dual control model: Current status and future directions. Journal of Sex Research, 46, 212–142.
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