Toxic Shame: Causes, Symptoms, and How to Heal.

What is Toxic Shame?

Toxic shame is a sense of worthlessness [1]. Everyone experiences shame, but some of us experience shame in ways that are more intrusive or intense than others. The symptoms manifest in our thoughts and behaviors; you can even experience physical sensations related to toxic shame [2]. Luckily, there can be healing. By working with a therapist that has experience treating the root causes of toxic shame, you can change the way you see yourself and see the world.

What Is the Difference Between Guilt and Shame?

The Childhood Roots of Toxic Shame

Here are some common characteristics of shame-based families:

Codependency

Physical Symptoms

Can You Heal Toxic Shame?

What Is the Difference Between Guilt and Shame?

According to Healthline, guilt “refers to specific actions, such as making a mistake, doing something you know you shouldn’t, or causing harm to another person, internationally or otherwise” [3]. Because guilt is tied to behaviors or actions, the feelings associated with it typically fade when amends are made or a lesson is learned.

Shame, on the other, has to do with sense of self and identity. Guilt says “I did something wrong and I feel bad about it so I can and will resolve it”; shame says “there is something wrong with me. I am bad, defective, inadequate, and there is nothing I can do about it”. Toxic shame is usually the result of being shamed. And, because it has to do with self perception, it tends to stay with us much longer and more powerfully than action-related guilt.

John Bradshaw, an American educator, counselor, motivational speaker, and author who hosted a number of television programs on topics such as addiction, recovery, codependency, and spirituality, came up with an acronym that is still used today to identify behaviors of toxic shame. From his book Homecoming [4]:

The Childhood Roots of Toxic Shame

Often, the roots of toxic shame can be found in our childhood. The messages that we receive as children can shape our identities, behaviors, and thought patterns for the rest of our lives. For example, picture the parent that tells their child to stop crying when they are upset, or gives a gendered message like “boys don’t cry”. This is harmful! Tears remove stressful chemicals that build up during an emotional upset and provide helpful antioxidants [5]. When a caregiver fails to meet the needs of a child, invalidates their feelings, or systematically represses emotion, they are --knowingly or unknowingly-- contributing to a lasting sense of toxic shame.

Here Are Some Common Characteristics of Shame-Based Families:

• The parent(s) fails to act in a way that makes their child feel like they are unconditionally loved

• The parent(s)doesn’t prioritize spending time with their child or making their child feel like they matter and are worthy of their attention

• The parent(s) does not believe the child

• The parent(s) is too wrapped up in their own trauma, issues, addiction, anxiety, or neuroses to be able to love the child and create a strong foundation of safety and support for their child

• The parent(s) displays intense or shocking instances of rage

Caregivers are not the only culprits. Messages of racism and sexism in our culture and media; bullying and teasing from other children; cruel remarks from siblings; physical, sexual, or emotional abuse; perfectionistic systems— these can all contribute to a sense of toxic shame.

Common Characteristics of Toxic Shame-Based Behaviors

When your mind senses that there is emotional danger, it will work to protect you through various defenses. Here are some common self-protection mechanisms when it comes to toxic shame:

• Denial (This isn’t happening!)

• Repression (That never happened)

• Disassociation (Disconnecting from your thoughts, feelings, or memories)

• Projection (This is happening to you, not to me)

• Minimizing (It happened, but it’s no big deal)

• Conversion (I eat or have sex to change how I feel)

How Toxic Shame Shows up in Your Body and Mind

Toxic shame can show up in many ways in your mind. You might experience a racing mind, hypervigilance, excessive rumination, or feelings of detachment. You may also have experienced toxic shame for so long that the messages from your childhood show up as an internal voice. This voice makes you think that you are different, unloveable, inferior, stupid, ugly, or unworthy of love and belonging. You may have trouble trusting people and struggle to ‘let people in’ or fear that people will abandon you once they see the “real you” [6]. It might also manifest in spontaneous age regressions; you might find yourself doing things that you did as a small child to punish others, like withdrawing or giving the “silent” treatment.

Codependency

Toxic shame can affect your relationships, intimate or otherwise. A person with toxic shame might not feel ‘good enough’ to be in a loving, mutual relationship; conversely, they might think that their partner is not good enough for them, despite evidence to the contrary. Sometimes, toxic shame and a sense of not being ‘enough’ will manifest themselves through codependency.

Codependency is often rooted in toxic shame. Codependency is a loss of identity, in which the codependent person is dependent on something or someone outside of themselves in order to have an identity of their own, and one that does not give them shame. Unfortunately, codependency can create a whole host of other issues. It can make you hypervigilant to perceived problems in relationships, create issues with boundaries, or prevent real intimacy, bonding, or growth from occurring.

Physical Symptoms

Toxic shame doesn’t stop in the mind— it tends to share the same symptoms that are associated with trauma. Some of the ways that toxic shame may be manifesting in your body are:

• Migraines or frequent headaches

• Chronic neck and back problems

• Extreme PMS

• Increased heart rate

• Difficulty breathing

• Cold sweats

• Muscle tension

• Colon and stomach issues

• Lung issues such as asthma

• Flu-like sensations

Your symptoms can vary in presentation and intensity, and you might not even realize that they are tied to trauma! These symptoms can change and move over time, but we can view them as gifts: they give us an insight into the way that our body is holding shame, and we can use the lessening of symptoms to monitor our progress when we work to heal our shame.

Can You Heal Toxic Shame?

There is hope. By working with a therapist to help you understand the messages you received in your childhood, you may be able to change the beliefs that you internalized about yourself to survive. It’s difficult to do this work without a therapist. We tend to believe that the way we see the world and ourselves is how the world really is; we don’t always realize that you might be viewing the world through the lens and internalized messages of your childhood experiences! A therapist can help you “lift the veil”, and see the world in a new way. They might employ things like EMDR, DBT, and other cognitive-behavioral therapies to help you change your internalized messages, which can change your life. By getting to know your authentic self, you can give yourself new messages: I am special. I am valuable. I am precious.

Working with a therapist is one of the best paths to healing. The right therapist can help you make the unconscious conscious, and guide you through change and transformation. If you would like to learn more about how therapy can help you, schedule a free consultation!

Resources:

1. Raeburn, Susan D. "The ring of fire: shame, fame, and rock'n'roll." Medical Problems of Performing Artists 22.1 (2007): 3-9.

2. Fishkin, Gerald Loren. The science of shame: And its treatment. Parkhurst Brothers Publishers Incorporated, 2016.

3. https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/toxic-shame#normal-vs-toxic-shame

4. Bradshaw, John. Homecoming: Reclaiming and healing your inner child. Bantam, 2013.

5. Choy, Camus Kar Man, et al. "Water-soluble antioxidants in human tears: effect of the collection method." Investigative ophthalmology & visual science 42.13 (2001): 3130-3134.

6. Vanderheiden, Elisabeth. "“Nothing I Accept About Myself Can Be Used Against Me to Diminish Me”—Transforming Shame Through Mindfulness." The Bright Side of Shame. Springer, Cham, 2019. 505-519.